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Where are all the good women?

Is there a lady in the house?

Woman was God’s second mistake – Nietzsche


I love a good catfight. Remember the Linda Evans and Joan Collins
hair-pulling, nail-scratching, thigh-exposing fights on the ’80s soap,
Dynasty? I got a real charge out of watching those fights during my
sex-starved early adolescence, especially one famous one that ended up in a
lily pond.

Catfights are VERY sexy. All curves, angles, legs and hairspray flying. It
doesn’t get much better than that. And even now, I like nothing better than
to watch some female oil wrestling or the big-breasted babes of the WWF go
at it in the ring.

Recently, there was a brawl of the same ilk which caused the suspension
of several classes at the Management Institute for National Development
(MIND). According to news reports, the brawl was witnessed by more than 200
persons, and was sparked after one attacked the other with a dining fork.
It is still unclear how one of the young ladies just happened to mistake
the other for a Meal Deal.

Anyway, the babe brawl eventually disturbed the classes of Senator
Anthony Johnson when one young ‘lady’ began diligently slamming the head of
the other into a partition that forms the wall of the classroom. I would
have paid half of my month’s salary (not a princely sum by any stretch of
the imagination) to have seen this. It must have been a fight to remember.
It should have been on Pay-Per-View.

But the whole episode got me thinking: hey, whatever happened to all the
‘ladies’ that my mother had told me about while I was growing up?

I mentioned this concern to an older lady friend of mine who surprised
me by saying – get this – ‘I don’t automatically believe that women are
ladies any longer. I just classify all of them as females, the feminine
gender, and once I get to know them, I can further reclassify them as
ladies, skettels or otherwise.’

I know you may hate me for it, but I think she may be on to something.

After all, today’s women are just men with breasts (and some other
stuff)…well, technically. Today’s females are high on girl power, the
concept of equality and the thrill of abandoning traditional female roles.
A lot of them have become mercenary, and moral-less creatures who
masquerade behind long legs and a pretty smile.

It manifests itself on the roads of Jamaica as well. I used to think
that the saying ‘that female drivers don’t give blie pon the road’ was just
some sexist rhetoric. However, since the start of the year, only one woman
has given me a ‘blie’ on the road. Maybe it’s not a sexist myth after all.

But what is a lady anyways? Can you define one?

Is it a woman who will not stab you, or throw hot water on your penis,
once she finds out you have been messing with her best friend? Is it a
woman who will not ‘beat a gal’ because she has slept with her man, or who
will not give away your ‘sugar’ to someone else? Is it a woman who will
stand by her man even though he will never be able to give her all the
riches and baubles her heart desires?

Is it a woman who will not leave you and take all the furniture, even
the shower curtains, leaving behind a lint ball and half-a-tic-tac? (did I
just share too much?)

I don’t know. Maybe it’s just a matter of perception. After all, one
man’s lady is another man’s skettel. And when it comes to treachery, women
have cornered the market. As a young man, you have to be careful to fall
into a woman’s embrace without falling into her HANDS. That would not be
wise, just look how many men are stark raving mad on the streets of
Kingston. How do you think they got there?

What my friends and I have discovered is that a good lady – the ones our
mothers told us about – is really hard to find. Is there a lady in the


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