I HATE Lifetime television.
After all, it`s just an oestrogen channel with lots of hair spray and
shampoo mixed with a noxious stew of emotions. Lifetime takes women’s
neuroses, fears and insecurities, and fashion melodramas and show them in
Further, most men are demonised by Lifetime. Men are either impotent, woman beaters, child molesters, stalkers, or just your average, garden variety
For the purpose of this opinion piece, last week I forced myself to watch
the channel (my wife, T, was really pleased). I was pleasantly surprised by
the high quality programming which actively courts the female faithful with
five-star shows and programmes like Golden Girls, Designing Women and
Intimate Portraits. I also watched a couple of the dramas which revolved
around themes such as girl power, awful Cro-Magnon men, romance, strong,
positive women and feminism (to a lesser extent) with strong acting and
incredible, true-to-life story lines.
After a few hours of Lifetime (oh, the things I do for my job), I found
myself hating my own gender for no reason at all. Hey, don’t laugh, after a
few hours of Lifetime, you can’t help but hate men – the principal resson that women are hooked on it.
Luckily, I realised what was going on, I shook my head to clear the cob
webs and tuned in to the latest Premier League game, scrolled through some porn on my phone and I regained my perspective.
Lifetime brainwashes women. The channel feeds on the neuroses of women and makes millions of dollars doing it. It reaches more than 72 million homes
Since my wife discovered Lifetime (Television for Women), my Sunday
afternoons have become hell because I can’t get to watch my NFL games. I think Lifetime should make a movie about women who become slobs because they stay home and are brainwashed by a cable channel’s ‘woman-friendly’ programming.
Women are always complaining that men don’t spend quality time with them and blah-de-blah-blah, yet when we`re home all they want to watch is some ditzy Lifetime movie about feelings.
Well, it does serve a purpose
However, Lifetime does serve a purpose † sometimes. If I want to run off
with my friends to play football, or get into any other little mischief,
all I have to do is switch the TV to Lifetime and sneak out. She doesn`t
even know that I am gone.
Still, it’s not all bad. One of my friends — I won’t reveal which — admitted that he regularly watches Lifetime to improve his chances of getting
laid. He says he wants to understand what women desire and need, so he can attune himself to what these women need and trick them into sleeping with him. Any man who admits that he likes watching Lifetime is either a fruitcake, or he’s just using it as a ploy to get girls, trust me.
I am a modern guy, I like issues, but after an hour or two of Lifetime TV, you
feel your brain begin to atrophy. It`s also really bad for sex because Lifetime is like kryptonite for the male ego and that puts a lot of relationships in jeopardy.
But the real reason I’ve written this article is because the NBA season
started last week and I need the remote. I really need it. My wife has
hidden it somewhere and now the television is stuck on Lifetime.
At this rate, I’m going to need a new TV. Lifetime has got to go.